The Struggle
I wish I knew how to get along in this life, to struggle a little less, to smile a little more, to find the comfort I see some people enjoying more often than not. That’s not to say I don’t find it for small chunks of time. I do. Maybe a week, perhaps just a day or two. Those are the days when I feel that everything is right in my world. Not to say everything is perfect, far from it, but there are those times when I’m not up, nor am I down — I’m balanced. I know who I am, and I’m at peace with life. If I could make that the rule, rather than the exception … if I could go a month when I felt I was okay — what would I give for that? What more could I give? This isn’t a genie in the bottle, or a make a wish type situation. What more could I do that I’m not already doing?
I take my meds everyday on time. I attend all of my regularly scheduled medical appointments. I get enough sleep most nights. I journal to find my way out of mind-traps. Mindfulness is a dear friend. My mind runs CBT all the time like it’s a software add-on. I don’t drink or take any recreational drugs. I question everything regarding my feelings and mood, maybe too much…. I work on myself really fucking hard.
All of that is well and fine and helpful — no — necessary, but it will never put me in a neurotypical headspace. Not to stay, anyhow. I can only imagine what that would be like, and I can’t imagine it very well. In some…
